I thought I was happy; in love and unstoppable. You know, that "on top of the world" kind of feeling. Invincible. I didn't think I could be any happier than I was, which in reality wasn't all that happy.
I lived thinking I was as happy as I was ever going to get and fell into a habit of accepting the unhappiness. I was easily depressed, and the amount of stress and anxiety I felt was constantly high. Every day I told myself I was going to live life happier and eliminate the negative moods, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't shake it.
I was in a toxic relationship; we simply weren't good for each other. We fought often and never resolved our problems. We fed off of the problems and anxiety within our relationship. It eventually pushed us both to a place that scared us. I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten and was brushing off the fear. We were digging a deep hole that we almost couldn't get out of.
One day, he gained the strength to get out; reached up, grabbed the edge and pulled himself out of the hole, leaving me behind. I was in too deep; I couldn't pull myself out in that moment. Honestly, I didn't want to. I wanted to stay in the dark underground because I refused to accept it was over. It took me time, but I finally let people who cared for me help me out of my hole and into the light.
It's hard to admit, but I'm thankful for him ending our relationship when he did. In that moment, I wasn't strong enough to let go of him or my future I had planned. I was holding on to everything so tightly, I couldn't let it go. I needed it to be pried from my hands, and it was. Had he not ended it then, we may still be where we were.
In the past 6 weeks I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned to be alone and also a better version of myself. I've learned to be positive again and not give into the negativity as often as before. I've lost any depression I had and reduced my anxiety to barely existent. I still have my moments, but I have progressed a lot in this short time.
I've finally started to become the person I knew was hiding inside and let her out. I've found who I truly am, who I was all along but just didn't know it. I'm able to be the me I longed to be. I'm me, and I'm happy.
Chelsea Blake: My views on life and writing whatever my heart desires.